Saturday, 25 June 2011

Storm Of Magic: All Hail The New Flesh

Lady and gentlemen, its here, the one you've all been waiting for! Storm of profanity....Lines on Maps is 100 posts old today!  Heres a song for people that remember olden times:

Obligatory Emo Bit

I've come a long way in 100 posts...I applied a new blogger template and everything.
Blogging has been a pleasure and a blessing in my life, letting me spew my little bits of venom onto a blank canvas has been a catharsis and control valve in many ways. Most of my anger actually stems from my day job, which somehow gets a venting inside the one true love I have. wargaming. Its a beautiful, enriching hobby full of wonderful, caring people. I am proud, damn proud, to call some of these people friends. Theres also thousands of social retards who wouldnt recognise logic if it lubed them up and shafted them with a printed FAQ. They can go take a flying fuck tae themselves.

Thanks for reading, it means a lot that some people do actually read.  At all I mean, not just this blog.

It really does mean a lot.

Sweary Ranty Bit

Games Workshop went to a great deal of effort to personally deliver a message of salvation to my inbox. A ray of light in the darkness of being the 4th best selling game in a market they believe they have created and are the only players in. A reason for me to regret offloading my Warhammer stuff.

Thats Right:
If you tolerate this, then your children will be next.

You get a magic spinny bit of plastic in the book!  Just what you wanted to convince yourself, your friend and your hand(wife) that these things arent toys:  A FUCKING PLASTIC SPINNY WHEEL!

The last time I encountered a Spinny Wheel Of Plastic Death was in a big made up book on pirates for kids that I pretended I bought for the sole purpose of referencing it in a then unseen future blog post. 

The worst thing, I fuck you not, is that I fuck you not.  This shit is actual:

So you dont need those grown up dice bro.  Spin that plastic and weep, for this was your life for 20 fucking years.   Tell you what GW design team, why dont you fuck off and die?  What depth of stupidity and simpering yes-man-ism (new word!) led to the decision to just FUCK everything up so fucking royally?  Are you actually fucking serious?  A spinny wheel of spastic depravity?  A spinny wheel of absolute and utter failure?   The only way you could actually fuck up one of the oldest properties in modern wargaming more would be to just print pictures of your forehead mounted dicks and enclose them with the fucking pubes you send out in finecast boxes.

What was the board room meeting like?  Did they think this would attract kids? did they think the long suffering warhammer die hards would jump for joy that this, this, was the payoff for their loyalty?
The prices are reasonable, the new kits are very good, and very reasonably priced(apart from the finecast ones), so initial hopes were high.  Had I acted too hastily by selling all my stuff on ebay?  Would I regret it and be back on that doorstep begging to be let back in to try and work things out?
As it turns out, no.  This is just a coffin nail.

Part the third, in which we immolate every unimaginative motherfucker who starts a subheading with "part the X, in which we y". Im on fire right now.

After my initial shock and confusion at the loss of warhammer, and the mixed feelings I had over the fucking awesome(as in they inspire fear and terror) dragon kits. One of which I will be fucking buying from Maelstrom via Australia. I read further into the lovingly crafted email that GeeDubs had sent to little old me personally. I found the following. I smashed my office into splinters and razed the building to the ground in hopes that I might contain it's eldritch evil:

"Not only is this the most exciting thing to happen to Warhammer since, well, Warhammer itself, but we've shortened the wait between advance order and launch - so you can get your hands on the new releases even quicker."

Read that again, I'll wait. Back? Good, I assume, like me, you read it and thought, thats jolly nice Geedubs, giving us stuff sooner! You do care! I havent wasted my life loving someone that can never love me back and will spend my middle age in regret! Then your brain kicks in and all you can think is "hang on a fucking minute, thats the most genius piece of semantic creativity since someone called mass murder ethnic cleansing(Godwins Law Invoked)".

They are not giving us shit early, they are announcing shit late. You dont get anything faster, you just know about it later. they made this into a positive, they are that clever and they still gave us a fucking spinny wheel.

Oh and just so its not all doom and gloom:

Wrap yer eyes 'roon that wee belter. Stoatin.

See you for 200. Cheers.

Thursday, 23 June 2011

How do you respond when someone posts pictures of AWFUL minis?

Hi all, just a quick post, killing time after a gas leak and subsequent evacuation. So, you know when your on forums, and someone proudly posts a set of photo's of their latest love? And you ever notice that the people who are most proud are those with the least amount to be proud of?

I mean, dont get me wrong, I'm no cyrstal brush winner, and in fact I have not finished a single mini since I got back into wargaming. I made some classic mistakes and had an accelerated learning curve coming back in, painting too thickly, painting outside the lines etc. But I have never, and I'm proud of this, never painted horribly clashing colours then mounted the abortion on a base that looks like a dog shat it out.

We've all seen them, the bases that look like they are actually covered in shit. Literal Shit. The colours that clash so badly and create so much disharmony that you punch yourself in the face in sheer despair that some could live and yet be so devoid of basic understanding of taste. I mean these fucknuggets can read the same stuff as anyone else on basic colour theory, yet still highlight blue with red.

The paint always looks like it has been squeezed out of a concrete mixer straight onto the mini. The colours are flat(in a way that defies 11 dimensional n-space), with the only highlights being massive plastered streaks of mess in a clashing colour that look like they have been applied with a flaccid dick.

I have to ask these people are you trolling or just very stupid? How can you look at your hideous shite and then decide to inflict it on everyone else? Are you so unaware of your own limits that you think you are on a par with the top 10 on CMON?

Here's a tip, pick up your latest, greatest creation and pull up some images from the manufacturers site, now hold up your creation next to it. Do you see the difference? The way the good painter uses colour to tell a story , not scream a dirge? Do you see his brushwork? no? exactly, fucknugget. You dont see his brush work. AT ALL! Maybe you post on the forums, and everyone says "ooh thats great", "I love the way you made brave choices", and the most telling of all:"I like the bases". No one is going to say "fuck me, that was so bad I punched my pregnant wife her stupid fat life ruining face" because its a nice forum. People who act like dicks dont last long((except when everyone is a screaming cockfanny, like warseer, the warhammer forum, dakkadakka etc etc etc (and TMP is its own category of fuck off and die))ohh these nested parentheses are cool).

I should note, beginners are given a free pass here, with some caveats: I understand that you are proud of your work, pleased with your progress and enthusiastic about the hobby, but trust me, you will look back with such shame when you have learned how to paint that you will likely destroy your own genitals in penance.

The take away is that you should always be your own worst critic. Is the work you have produced the best you could do? Is it something you have learned from? What mistakes did you make? What did you find challenging? What was easy? Brotip: The bits you found hard are the bits you should concentrate on the most ( i find flesh quite hard...also,penis).

If you sit back satisfied that you have done a great job, you haven't.

footnote: there were so many examples to choose from to illustrate this post that analysis paralysis struck.. hence cat.

Monday, 13 June 2011

Its all a question of Scale, you see....

Ok, Its done, all my Warhammer miniatures bar the Wyvern are up on ebay, awaiting the cruel fates to decide how much they have depreciated in a little over a year.

It felt odd, almost like a betrayal, to post it on ebay, Warhammer was the first place me and my friends went to when we were 13, via WFRP. We graduated to Rogue Trader and homebrew conversion rules that let us play a motley band of futuristic adventurers, and from there to 40K, and the rest is history...but, and this is a big BUT, the GW thats there today is not the GW we all fell in love with.

Much like a marriage, each of us has grown and changed over time. Im not one of those fuckwits that wants things to stay the same forever, I love change, and embrace progress, even if its painful. I suppose this is easier for me to do because I work in the technology industry, where annual updates and bi-annual recertification is the norm.

To extend that marriage metaphor a little more, I still love my wife(GW) and want her to do well(as long as its not with that wanktard Fred from work that she always talks about,with that glow she used to have when we kissed...), its just that we arent right for each other anymore. She likes it big.

The size issue is something I tried to overcome with pills, er...more miniatures(ahem), but no matter how many pills I took my dick...I mean, no matter how much I bought I couldnt field a force that was game legal at the recommended points size. I would try and overcome this deficit by waggling my hips more...I mean, padding out my lists with expensive and underused magic items and extras for each unit, but £500 later and my dick is still tiny...I mean, I couldnt field an army at 2500 points. So in the best tradition of men everywhere, I couldnt win so I changed the game. I dumped that harpy and got me a realdoll...shit!, I mean I sold all my Warhammer mini's and will be concentrating on Skirmish sized games and Warmachine!

Now Warmachine used to be skirmish sized, but the game has grown and eveolved to the point where it is just as expensive, if not more, than GW, the difference being a legal tournament force can be bought for around £150, rather than the £500-£700 I was looking at for Orcs. To be fair , a horde army will always be more expensive, but thats not the thing.

As for Fred and the Missus, they are fine, having a great time without me. Im all alone in my wee room painting a single miniature with the care and devotion it deserves, as oppossed to slapping paint all over a horde to get it 3coloursupped enough to play in a tournament that never happened.

I love small things, the detail and personality they have, coupled with the extra care you give each mini due to the lower bodycount is where my heart lies these days.
If i want a massive scale game, Ill go down to 15mm or 10mm, where you can get that epic sweep and sense of being the eagle in Alexander.


And BTW those pills dont work. My 1" is still angry :/

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

"I can get it cheaper on ebay" well...really?!

Part 1

Right, I love a gripe about prices just as much as the next dwarf, and I suppose we all have to moan about something, being as 1st world and relatively rich as we all are. We dont starve, we are very unlikely to die in a violent coup and we have liberties that we take for granted to the point of forgetting that the other 90% of the planet doesnt have them. So, framed in that context, heres my current 1st world problem: EBAY! FUCKING SHITTY GOUGING EBAY!

A common thread on the comments of late (on all the usual blogs/sites) has been that the GW price rise does "not affect me, I'll get it on Ebay". Bullshit. Here we see no understanding of secondary markets, the assumption that what you want is always available and the worst sin of all, mistaking your pwersonal experience for a universal one.

Even if you find one flea-market, bargain bin auction on ebay, you will not find everything you are after. Factor in postage costs, waiting times, dodgy postmen/sellers and Paypals capricious approach to CC fraud and I guarandamntee you that you will not *find it cheaper on ebay*.

Im currently planning to sell off all my orcs and goblins, as no one locally plays warhammer often enough to warrant the drawer space. Also Wrath is coming out and the GF is getting pissed off at my spending. To this end I had set up watches on the items I am planning to sell. The results were...interesting... Most of the stuff will go for cost or *more* if its unassembled and in original packaging. Assembled and unpainted for a little under cost, and assembled with propainted splodges for a lot under cost. Units that are considered pish go for pennies, almost not worth listing them kind of low prices.

Part 2

I decided to try a two pronged experiment, because Science is fun.

I am still collecting a Dark Eldar force as a back-burner, slow burn kind of thing (warmachine just twists my nipples so good that I spend on it 1st).
I am also toying with the idea of a small Space Marine force, for nostalgia reasons more than anything else. Now, I can afford to buy the marines month by month (if I work a fuckton of overtime and hide them from the missus), but fuck that, I want it now!

My see if i can actually find it all cheaper on ebay!
My "buy" list:

Cygnar Starter Box
Mage Gunner dudes
Long Gunners
Cygnar Cavalry Dudes
Cygnar Trenchers

Games Workshop (I just realised what a stupid fucking name that is...its so a bank advert or mobile phone just makes me want to do things with knives and flesh...)

Space Marine Battleforce
Land Raider
3xLand Speeder
Bike Squadron
Deldar flyers/Battleforce

So, I'll update this infrequently, but Im interested to see if its possible.
The rules:
I can only fund these purchases by selling stuff I already have.
It has to be from Ebay
It has to be current or best generation. I.E no 2nd Ed Parade marines, the resculpted Warmahordes Finecast resin boxes etc


Thursday, 2 June 2011

Mantic Do SciFI!? YES!

We are doing sci fi!

Finally, mantic have announced that they *will* be doing a scifi game! Cannot wait...not many details yet, but based on mantics previous form , it should be good, and if nothing else is a slap in the face to the Big Man, GW. Mantic have reduced costs by switching away from metal, and doubled up the modelcount in the boxes for some lines...lets see what they can do with vehicles and lazorz!

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

Cross-Post from G3...New Forums up, please feel welcome

New Forums Now Live!

Glasgow G3 Forums

The forums for Glasgow Gamers Group are now live!

Come on over to discuss anything, this a nice fresh new forum, so make a mark!

Registration is painless and easy, and you are all welcome.

The forum is for all wargamers who want a nice, relaxed place to shoot the shit without worrying about BoLSeer levels of dickwaddery. This means you :)

Although the forum is there for our local gaming group, G3, anyone is welcome. It has been live for around 5 mins at the time of this post, so theres a great chance to make your mark and find a new bunch of friends, all likeminded.

Oh, I forgot to rant or swear :( hmm....ok, heres a quicky...

FUCK the internet. Shouting loudly when wrong doesnt make you right, just LOUD!