Saturday, 25 June 2011

Storm Of Magic: All Hail The New Flesh

Lady and gentlemen, its here, the one you've all been waiting for! Storm of profanity....Lines on Maps is 100 posts old today!  Heres a song for people that remember olden times:

Obligatory Emo Bit

I've come a long way in 100 posts...I applied a new blogger template and everything.
Blogging has been a pleasure and a blessing in my life, letting me spew my little bits of venom onto a blank canvas has been a catharsis and control valve in many ways. Most of my anger actually stems from my day job, which somehow gets a venting inside the one true love I have. wargaming. Its a beautiful, enriching hobby full of wonderful, caring people. I am proud, damn proud, to call some of these people friends. Theres also thousands of social retards who wouldnt recognise logic if it lubed them up and shafted them with a printed FAQ. They can go take a flying fuck tae themselves.

Thanks for reading, it means a lot that some people do actually read.  At all I mean, not just this blog.

It really does mean a lot.

Sweary Ranty Bit

Games Workshop went to a great deal of effort to personally deliver a message of salvation to my inbox. A ray of light in the darkness of being the 4th best selling game in a market they believe they have created and are the only players in. A reason for me to regret offloading my Warhammer stuff.

Thats Right:
If you tolerate this, then your children will be next.

You get a magic spinny bit of plastic in the book!  Just what you wanted to convince yourself, your friend and your hand(wife) that these things arent toys:  A FUCKING PLASTIC SPINNY WHEEL!

The last time I encountered a Spinny Wheel Of Plastic Death was in a big made up book on pirates for kids that I pretended I bought for the sole purpose of referencing it in a then unseen future blog post. 

The worst thing, I fuck you not, is that I fuck you not.  This shit is actual:

So you dont need those grown up dice bro.  Spin that plastic and weep, for this was your life for 20 fucking years.   Tell you what GW design team, why dont you fuck off and die?  What depth of stupidity and simpering yes-man-ism (new word!) led to the decision to just FUCK everything up so fucking royally?  Are you actually fucking serious?  A spinny wheel of spastic depravity?  A spinny wheel of absolute and utter failure?   The only way you could actually fuck up one of the oldest properties in modern wargaming more would be to just print pictures of your forehead mounted dicks and enclose them with the fucking pubes you send out in finecast boxes.

What was the board room meeting like?  Did they think this would attract kids? did they think the long suffering warhammer die hards would jump for joy that this, this, was the payoff for their loyalty?
The prices are reasonable, the new kits are very good, and very reasonably priced(apart from the finecast ones), so initial hopes were high.  Had I acted too hastily by selling all my stuff on ebay?  Would I regret it and be back on that doorstep begging to be let back in to try and work things out?
As it turns out, no.  This is just a coffin nail.

Part the third, in which we immolate every unimaginative motherfucker who starts a subheading with "part the X, in which we y". Im on fire right now.

After my initial shock and confusion at the loss of warhammer, and the mixed feelings I had over the fucking awesome(as in they inspire fear and terror) dragon kits. One of which I will be fucking buying from Maelstrom via Australia. I read further into the lovingly crafted email that GeeDubs had sent to little old me personally. I found the following. I smashed my office into splinters and razed the building to the ground in hopes that I might contain it's eldritch evil:

"Not only is this the most exciting thing to happen to Warhammer since, well, Warhammer itself, but we've shortened the wait between advance order and launch - so you can get your hands on the new releases even quicker."

Read that again, I'll wait. Back? Good, I assume, like me, you read it and thought, thats jolly nice Geedubs, giving us stuff sooner! You do care! I havent wasted my life loving someone that can never love me back and will spend my middle age in regret! Then your brain kicks in and all you can think is "hang on a fucking minute, thats the most genius piece of semantic creativity since someone called mass murder ethnic cleansing(Godwins Law Invoked)".

They are not giving us shit early, they are announcing shit late. You dont get anything faster, you just know about it later. they made this into a positive, they are that clever and they still gave us a fucking spinny wheel.

Oh and just so its not all doom and gloom:

Wrap yer eyes 'roon that wee belter. Stoatin.

See you for 200. Cheers.


  1. 100 posts? Is that all? It sure seems like more wonderful eye candy of venom and snot laced profanity with some vulgarity and general crappy attitude thrown in to make me giggle.

    Congrats, dude.

  2. Gingers am lyk du Shpinny book.


    (Happy birthday x)

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