Monday, 26 September 2011

G3 Gaming Day

My local gaming group G3 (Glasgow Gamers Group), is having a wee shindig on the 5th November, the post is below and will be updated as things get set in stone.  If you are from the central belt or are at a loose end that day, please feel free to drop in and say hello.   Its not a big wargaming show , just some games on a sunday(we usually meet every tuesday from 18:00-22:30), but if you have an interest in joining the club or attending feel free to come on down.  Dont be embarrased to just say hello to someone and ask for either me (Barry) or one of the Andys and we will be happy to make you feel welcome.

Its confirmed we have the hall from  09:00 to 17:00.  These are hard limits unfortunatley so any gaming so be wound up by 16:30 to allow time to clear up etc.

Andy Palmer will be running a warmachine Steamroller event on the day, details and sign-ups here:

In addition there will be several games of 40K and Malifaux etc running.

If you have never been to G3 and would like a chance to meet some of us and get a feel for the place, this is an ideal day to do it...spread the word and bring a friend.

G3 can be found here:

View Larger Map

More details once we thrash them out on tuesday.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Hot Places are Hot, Some books are rubbish

Hello everybody! *Hi Dr Grum* Miss me?
Heroin...makes everything better.

Thought not...well, where to begin, work, life and a holiday seem to have swallowed two months faster than Snooki swallows pearl jam when the cameras are off.
Working backwards, I'm just back from my 1st ever foreign was HOT AS FUCK and there were Cockroaches so large they ate their own predators.

I shit ye not, these bastards pushed back when you tried to stand on them...cue Grum running and screaming like a wee lassie when flip flops proved ineffective as crushing tools. 40 degrees in the shade one day, and average 32 degrees at night? Fuck that, give me the frozen north any time.

Still, it was a very refreshing thing to be away from work, and just do nothing, well, I say nothing, and what I mean by that is "sit shivering in a corner terrified of every shadow" each night.  The respect I have for people in hot countries is now 100x what it was...sure its lovely during the day, but at night actual fucking tyranids appear.  scary shit.

not shown in this picture are the billions of insects that appear nightly, or if you stand still too long.
Before that...well, death reared his bony coupon and took a couple of family members away(no no Forge World splurge...bah), about 30% of my company got made redundant and I built a shed.  See, I know my priorites.

Now, hobby content...I read through a few Black Library books, the only one of note was Mechanicum, and its only worthy of note because it was shite.

Users should note that prolonged reading leads to reading of overly long fantasy epics should be tempered with periods of light relief...such as having a kid or two.

I read the first 2.5 books of game of thrones before realising that George RR Martin is a hack with a food fetish, and Catelyn is the worst female character in any fantasy book ever written.  I have abandonded that series for a while and instead I read the first 4 books in the Sookie Stackhouse series(the ones True Blood are based on) in the time it would take Mr RR Martin  (seriously, who would use RR as a middle bit in the genre of fantasy and not  think they were being a touch pretentious?) to describe a solitary fucking PIE.  

Warning: Use of this product by men may lead to gender identity issues.

Vampires, sex, weres, shifters and down-home southern charm over 8 book in less words than Mr Martins fucking Crow pie.   I made a good call there I reckon.  The books are short, snappy, well written, well paced and genuinely funny and heartwarming by turns.  The only downside to reading the Stackhouse novels(or the Southern Vampire books or whatever) is I grew a massive fucking vagina. 
Use of this product by men with Vaginas will ensure that Penis is restored.

 To restore my gender balance, I also read a book about tanks and the experiences of the crews called Tank Men by Robert Kershaw, another fantastic Genre read that you should read if you like tanks or men.  The anecdotes are not in any way heartwarming, and several made me well up(probably a vag thing), but if you are in any way a treadhead this gets a massive thumbs up.

Before the holiday it was just work like a bastard and hope that the wave of redundancies missed me, which thankfully it did, although theres no overtime payments anymore, which is shit. I did manage to attend a tournament at the utterly fantastic World of War in Livingston, placing my 2nd worst ever, but thats another story for another time.

See you soon.

Monday, 4 July 2011

Fully Steamed Up in the Dark Age of Malifaux

Happy 4th Of July my lovely colonial friends, how are you all today?

New Horizons

I am aware that with lines on maps I have boxed myself into a corner somewhat in terms of content, after all, nobody comes here for hobby tips, so have started up a sister blog at to chart the development and hobby aspect of my various warmachine forces. Im quite excited at having to censor the fuck out of myself to make sure that the hobby aspect is the one that attracts visitors.

I mean, i hate the fuck out of censorship, but some folks get funny ideas about language and its corrupting power. I mean, just look at GW marketing, the mere act of reading it reduces your ability to reason.

Playing Games

Hobby wise, I played a couple of games of Dark Age yesterday over at BlasterBonatti's (yes, his real name, he shoots lazorz and everything), not a lot you can say about this game that hasnt been said. The miniatures are sexy, the design ethic behind them all being based on the artwork of Brom, and they are very much a prestige line. (ROFL BRO MART!!! OMG i wish that site existed, all pictures of peach polo shirts with popped collares, fake tan and spiky hair BRO. We could all be like yeah, copacetic BRO.)

Back to the game, bra, so we played two games, me winning against El Presidente was a given, he has the worst luck in dice you have ever seen. I mean, I planned my entire game based on him failing to hit/wound things and it worked. I really feel bad for EP at those times, when he needs a 19 or less he *will* roll a 20. Crestfallen, he retreated and left BB and I to play again, this time was closer, but I seem to remember it being a win on my side as well. I was using St John and he pretty much bounced around killing things with no real contest.
Hi i'm St John, Im in ur base hammering your doodz
He is somewhat overpowered in the game to be fair, massive powerhammer was massive.

We also got a game of malifaux in, and heres where I had some real fun. It was my first game of malifaux in the time since I got the Lady Justice starter, and I used the starter bought for my other half all that time ago, which I have reclaimed, with Baby Kade snuck in to bring me to 25 SS. The force was:
Less than 20 quid, and its all you need for a 20SS game

  • Lylyth, Mother of Monsters
  • Cherub Totem
  • 3x Terror Tots
  • 1x Mature Nephilim
  • 1x Baby Kade
My opponent used Sheamus, his totem, the hanged and some WHORES!

Only in malifaux can you send an army of demons led by the first wife of Adam(yes, Eve came second, Lilith was first, and was cast out and seeks revenge by killing baby's in middle eastern myth) against a mad irish necrophile and have a blast.

Now I had some reservations previously with malifaux, I just didnt get it at all, but the guys playing it at the club seemed enthused so I stuck with it, eventually reading the rules properly when the A5 rulebook was released.  The A5 book is a MUST by the way, the rules actually make sense when laid out as they are in that august tome, and helped me get over my "huh?" felling I had.  It's well known that the card mechanic replaces dice, and it works so brilliantly I waish that there were more games taking that kind of direction. 

So turn 1, we flip for initiative(I.E. Draw a card, compare values), I gets it and moves up, fumbling my way through the abilities and effects that I wish I had read up on more.  I knew for example that the Mature Nephilim could carry the wee baby terror tots, but didnt know to start in B2B( my mind had plugged it into the Tyhpons slipstream mechanic in my head) for example.  Once I started to get close to Seamus, BB fell back in good order and hid behind an Oil derrick, denying me targets and forcing me to do the running.  

Turns 2 and 3 were pretty much a Benny Hill sketch of chasing, luring and willpower duels as we tried to get the other into charge position.  I lost the Mature Nephilim on turn 3 because I forgot about alternate activations, leaving him out of position and facing his death by guns and umbrellas.  Turn 4, somthing finally happened with some of the whores going down(lol, going down, its like I said FELLATIO) to liliths massive chopper, a terror tot threatened Seamus and the cherub looked cherubic, to no avail.

Heres where the other amazing thing was encountered.  At the start of each game each master chooses a scheme or strategy that they keep secret.  Fulfilling these schemes or strategys rewards extra VP at the end, in addition to any gained from the genera scenario.  BB got 3, I got 1, he won.  I really, really enjoyed Malifaux, and cannot recommend it enough.  So much so that I fully intend to try and get a tournament together later in the year for it.  Its that damn good.


Saturday, 25 June 2011

Storm Of Magic: All Hail The New Flesh

Lady and gentlemen, its here, the one you've all been waiting for! Storm of profanity....Lines on Maps is 100 posts old today!  Heres a song for people that remember olden times:

Obligatory Emo Bit

I've come a long way in 100 posts...I applied a new blogger template and everything.
Blogging has been a pleasure and a blessing in my life, letting me spew my little bits of venom onto a blank canvas has been a catharsis and control valve in many ways. Most of my anger actually stems from my day job, which somehow gets a venting inside the one true love I have. wargaming. Its a beautiful, enriching hobby full of wonderful, caring people. I am proud, damn proud, to call some of these people friends. Theres also thousands of social retards who wouldnt recognise logic if it lubed them up and shafted them with a printed FAQ. They can go take a flying fuck tae themselves.

Thanks for reading, it means a lot that some people do actually read.  At all I mean, not just this blog.

It really does mean a lot.

Sweary Ranty Bit

Games Workshop went to a great deal of effort to personally deliver a message of salvation to my inbox. A ray of light in the darkness of being the 4th best selling game in a market they believe they have created and are the only players in. A reason for me to regret offloading my Warhammer stuff.

Thats Right:
If you tolerate this, then your children will be next.

You get a magic spinny bit of plastic in the book!  Just what you wanted to convince yourself, your friend and your hand(wife) that these things arent toys:  A FUCKING PLASTIC SPINNY WHEEL!

The last time I encountered a Spinny Wheel Of Plastic Death was in a big made up book on pirates for kids that I pretended I bought for the sole purpose of referencing it in a then unseen future blog post. 

The worst thing, I fuck you not, is that I fuck you not.  This shit is actual:

So you dont need those grown up dice bro.  Spin that plastic and weep, for this was your life for 20 fucking years.   Tell you what GW design team, why dont you fuck off and die?  What depth of stupidity and simpering yes-man-ism (new word!) led to the decision to just FUCK everything up so fucking royally?  Are you actually fucking serious?  A spinny wheel of spastic depravity?  A spinny wheel of absolute and utter failure?   The only way you could actually fuck up one of the oldest properties in modern wargaming more would be to just print pictures of your forehead mounted dicks and enclose them with the fucking pubes you send out in finecast boxes.

What was the board room meeting like?  Did they think this would attract kids? did they think the long suffering warhammer die hards would jump for joy that this, this, was the payoff for their loyalty?
The prices are reasonable, the new kits are very good, and very reasonably priced(apart from the finecast ones), so initial hopes were high.  Had I acted too hastily by selling all my stuff on ebay?  Would I regret it and be back on that doorstep begging to be let back in to try and work things out?
As it turns out, no.  This is just a coffin nail.

Part the third, in which we immolate every unimaginative motherfucker who starts a subheading with "part the X, in which we y". Im on fire right now.

After my initial shock and confusion at the loss of warhammer, and the mixed feelings I had over the fucking awesome(as in they inspire fear and terror) dragon kits. One of which I will be fucking buying from Maelstrom via Australia. I read further into the lovingly crafted email that GeeDubs had sent to little old me personally. I found the following. I smashed my office into splinters and razed the building to the ground in hopes that I might contain it's eldritch evil:

"Not only is this the most exciting thing to happen to Warhammer since, well, Warhammer itself, but we've shortened the wait between advance order and launch - so you can get your hands on the new releases even quicker."

Read that again, I'll wait. Back? Good, I assume, like me, you read it and thought, thats jolly nice Geedubs, giving us stuff sooner! You do care! I havent wasted my life loving someone that can never love me back and will spend my middle age in regret! Then your brain kicks in and all you can think is "hang on a fucking minute, thats the most genius piece of semantic creativity since someone called mass murder ethnic cleansing(Godwins Law Invoked)".

They are not giving us shit early, they are announcing shit late. You dont get anything faster, you just know about it later. they made this into a positive, they are that clever and they still gave us a fucking spinny wheel.

Oh and just so its not all doom and gloom:

Wrap yer eyes 'roon that wee belter. Stoatin.

See you for 200. Cheers.

Thursday, 23 June 2011

How do you respond when someone posts pictures of AWFUL minis?

Hi all, just a quick post, killing time after a gas leak and subsequent evacuation. So, you know when your on forums, and someone proudly posts a set of photo's of their latest love? And you ever notice that the people who are most proud are those with the least amount to be proud of?

I mean, dont get me wrong, I'm no cyrstal brush winner, and in fact I have not finished a single mini since I got back into wargaming. I made some classic mistakes and had an accelerated learning curve coming back in, painting too thickly, painting outside the lines etc. But I have never, and I'm proud of this, never painted horribly clashing colours then mounted the abortion on a base that looks like a dog shat it out.

We've all seen them, the bases that look like they are actually covered in shit. Literal Shit. The colours that clash so badly and create so much disharmony that you punch yourself in the face in sheer despair that some could live and yet be so devoid of basic understanding of taste. I mean these fucknuggets can read the same stuff as anyone else on basic colour theory, yet still highlight blue with red.

The paint always looks like it has been squeezed out of a concrete mixer straight onto the mini. The colours are flat(in a way that defies 11 dimensional n-space), with the only highlights being massive plastered streaks of mess in a clashing colour that look like they have been applied with a flaccid dick.

I have to ask these people are you trolling or just very stupid? How can you look at your hideous shite and then decide to inflict it on everyone else? Are you so unaware of your own limits that you think you are on a par with the top 10 on CMON?

Here's a tip, pick up your latest, greatest creation and pull up some images from the manufacturers site, now hold up your creation next to it. Do you see the difference? The way the good painter uses colour to tell a story , not scream a dirge? Do you see his brushwork? no? exactly, fucknugget. You dont see his brush work. AT ALL! Maybe you post on the forums, and everyone says "ooh thats great", "I love the way you made brave choices", and the most telling of all:"I like the bases". No one is going to say "fuck me, that was so bad I punched my pregnant wife her stupid fat life ruining face" because its a nice forum. People who act like dicks dont last long((except when everyone is a screaming cockfanny, like warseer, the warhammer forum, dakkadakka etc etc etc (and TMP is its own category of fuck off and die))ohh these nested parentheses are cool).

I should note, beginners are given a free pass here, with some caveats: I understand that you are proud of your work, pleased with your progress and enthusiastic about the hobby, but trust me, you will look back with such shame when you have learned how to paint that you will likely destroy your own genitals in penance.

The take away is that you should always be your own worst critic. Is the work you have produced the best you could do? Is it something you have learned from? What mistakes did you make? What did you find challenging? What was easy? Brotip: The bits you found hard are the bits you should concentrate on the most ( i find flesh quite hard...also,penis).

If you sit back satisfied that you have done a great job, you haven't.

footnote: there were so many examples to choose from to illustrate this post that analysis paralysis struck.. hence cat.

Monday, 13 June 2011

Its all a question of Scale, you see....

Ok, Its done, all my Warhammer miniatures bar the Wyvern are up on ebay, awaiting the cruel fates to decide how much they have depreciated in a little over a year.

It felt odd, almost like a betrayal, to post it on ebay, Warhammer was the first place me and my friends went to when we were 13, via WFRP. We graduated to Rogue Trader and homebrew conversion rules that let us play a motley band of futuristic adventurers, and from there to 40K, and the rest is history...but, and this is a big BUT, the GW thats there today is not the GW we all fell in love with.

Much like a marriage, each of us has grown and changed over time. Im not one of those fuckwits that wants things to stay the same forever, I love change, and embrace progress, even if its painful. I suppose this is easier for me to do because I work in the technology industry, where annual updates and bi-annual recertification is the norm.

To extend that marriage metaphor a little more, I still love my wife(GW) and want her to do well(as long as its not with that wanktard Fred from work that she always talks about,with that glow she used to have when we kissed...), its just that we arent right for each other anymore. She likes it big.

The size issue is something I tried to overcome with pills, er...more miniatures(ahem), but no matter how many pills I took my dick...I mean, no matter how much I bought I couldnt field a force that was game legal at the recommended points size. I would try and overcome this deficit by waggling my hips more...I mean, padding out my lists with expensive and underused magic items and extras for each unit, but £500 later and my dick is still tiny...I mean, I couldnt field an army at 2500 points. So in the best tradition of men everywhere, I couldnt win so I changed the game. I dumped that harpy and got me a realdoll...shit!, I mean I sold all my Warhammer mini's and will be concentrating on Skirmish sized games and Warmachine!

Now Warmachine used to be skirmish sized, but the game has grown and eveolved to the point where it is just as expensive, if not more, than GW, the difference being a legal tournament force can be bought for around £150, rather than the £500-£700 I was looking at for Orcs. To be fair , a horde army will always be more expensive, but thats not the thing.

As for Fred and the Missus, they are fine, having a great time without me. Im all alone in my wee room painting a single miniature with the care and devotion it deserves, as oppossed to slapping paint all over a horde to get it 3coloursupped enough to play in a tournament that never happened.

I love small things, the detail and personality they have, coupled with the extra care you give each mini due to the lower bodycount is where my heart lies these days.
If i want a massive scale game, Ill go down to 15mm or 10mm, where you can get that epic sweep and sense of being the eagle in Alexander.


And BTW those pills dont work. My 1" is still angry :/

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

"I can get it cheaper on ebay" well...really?!

Part 1

Right, I love a gripe about prices just as much as the next dwarf, and I suppose we all have to moan about something, being as 1st world and relatively rich as we all are. We dont starve, we are very unlikely to die in a violent coup and we have liberties that we take for granted to the point of forgetting that the other 90% of the planet doesnt have them. So, framed in that context, heres my current 1st world problem: EBAY! FUCKING SHITTY GOUGING EBAY!

A common thread on the comments of late (on all the usual blogs/sites) has been that the GW price rise does "not affect me, I'll get it on Ebay". Bullshit. Here we see no understanding of secondary markets, the assumption that what you want is always available and the worst sin of all, mistaking your pwersonal experience for a universal one.

Even if you find one flea-market, bargain bin auction on ebay, you will not find everything you are after. Factor in postage costs, waiting times, dodgy postmen/sellers and Paypals capricious approach to CC fraud and I guarandamntee you that you will not *find it cheaper on ebay*.

Im currently planning to sell off all my orcs and goblins, as no one locally plays warhammer often enough to warrant the drawer space. Also Wrath is coming out and the GF is getting pissed off at my spending. To this end I had set up watches on the items I am planning to sell. The results were...interesting... Most of the stuff will go for cost or *more* if its unassembled and in original packaging. Assembled and unpainted for a little under cost, and assembled with propainted splodges for a lot under cost. Units that are considered pish go for pennies, almost not worth listing them kind of low prices.

Part 2

I decided to try a two pronged experiment, because Science is fun.

I am still collecting a Dark Eldar force as a back-burner, slow burn kind of thing (warmachine just twists my nipples so good that I spend on it 1st).
I am also toying with the idea of a small Space Marine force, for nostalgia reasons more than anything else. Now, I can afford to buy the marines month by month (if I work a fuckton of overtime and hide them from the missus), but fuck that, I want it now!

My see if i can actually find it all cheaper on ebay!
My "buy" list:

Cygnar Starter Box
Mage Gunner dudes
Long Gunners
Cygnar Cavalry Dudes
Cygnar Trenchers

Games Workshop (I just realised what a stupid fucking name that is...its so a bank advert or mobile phone just makes me want to do things with knives and flesh...)

Space Marine Battleforce
Land Raider
3xLand Speeder
Bike Squadron
Deldar flyers/Battleforce

So, I'll update this infrequently, but Im interested to see if its possible.
The rules:
I can only fund these purchases by selling stuff I already have.
It has to be from Ebay
It has to be current or best generation. I.E no 2nd Ed Parade marines, the resculpted Warmahordes Finecast resin boxes etc


Thursday, 2 June 2011

Mantic Do SciFI!? YES!

We are doing sci fi!

Finally, mantic have announced that they *will* be doing a scifi game! Cannot wait...not many details yet, but based on mantics previous form , it should be good, and if nothing else is a slap in the face to the Big Man, GW. Mantic have reduced costs by switching away from metal, and doubled up the modelcount in the boxes for some lines...lets see what they can do with vehicles and lazorz!

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

Cross-Post from G3...New Forums up, please feel welcome

New Forums Now Live!

Glasgow G3 Forums

The forums for Glasgow Gamers Group are now live!

Come on over to discuss anything, this a nice fresh new forum, so make a mark!

Registration is painless and easy, and you are all welcome.

The forum is for all wargamers who want a nice, relaxed place to shoot the shit without worrying about BoLSeer levels of dickwaddery. This means you :)

Although the forum is there for our local gaming group, G3, anyone is welcome. It has been live for around 5 mins at the time of this post, so theres a great chance to make your mark and find a new bunch of friends, all likeminded.

Oh, I forgot to rant or swear :( hmm....ok, heres a quicky...

FUCK the internet. Shouting loudly when wrong doesnt make you right, just LOUD!

Monday, 30 May 2011

Quick Cross Pimp-Infinity

Quick post today, I *have* to send you to the following link:

Pure Pr0n By The Way!

Some sexy, sexy Infinity work going on over there. Infinity is such a fantastic, competitive game! I wish there was more of a tournament thing going on with it, but thats why we have warmachine I suppose.

Managed to paint the flesh on my GunBoars last night, and Im fairly sure that the words "this should be easy" passed my lips at one point. It wasnt...

Saturday, 28 May 2011

Glasgow Gamers Group Goes GaGa, Weekly Update.

Business Grum Speaks:
I have started a nice wee sideline in trying to promote the local gaming group that I attend(glasgow is blessed with many groups, but this one is mine...)

Wee linky : G3 Blog

A wee follow from the locals would be swell, as I hope to get the rest of the guys on board and give us another channel of communication. Its early days and theres work to do, but from small acorns mighty trees grow.

You can also follow me on twitter : @grumhelden, and the club on @glasgowg3.

I do try and keep my personal opinions (and rants :) ) seperate from the professional face that a club like g3 needs, but cross promotion never hurts.

Gaming wise, Ranty Grum:
Mongoose games have recently released a new variant of the venerable Call To Arms system, this time attached to the Fading Suns IP.

I have ordered a fleet of Al-Malik and the rulebook from the FLGS, and cannot fucking wait!

Spaceships are just cool. Spaceships that shoot the living fuck out of each other and spew the crew into the grim, empty, uncaring void of space to spew out their last seconds in agonising terror...I mean whats not to like!

I was unfamiliar with the Fading Suns setting, but I intend to put that to rights forthwith.

Oh I also started a vlog about getting from being a fat bastard to a not-fat-bastard based off's challenge. I doubt I will be welcomed into the child friendly fold of miniwargaming, but I prefer standing outside in teh rain, alone, while the cool kids are inside having fun. I hated school...

Sunday, 22 May 2011

The End Of Days

It happens every few years, there's a price rise here, a product change there, and people cry that the sky is falling for GW. Only this time, it just might be actually falling.

This is 2011 as I write this, everyone can be connected to everyone else if they choose to be, and a whole generation is growing up knowing it to be no other way. Into this world of ends, Games Workshop has stumbled like a blind, bumbling fool, barely leveraging the power of community access, online updates and ordering until the very damn recent past.

And now, they decide that a free marked in the anglosphere is something they cannot countenance, and they are shooting their own feet off and wondering why they cant walk.

People are planning on leaving GW, and they have no way to get new customers in, we hate to see it, but GW is dying and is not doing what it needs to do to survive. Everyone on the internet is an instant expert, but its common sense that its better to sell 1 Million Doodads at £20, as opposed to 100,000 at £40.

It would seem that in the face of declining sales, the GW survival strategy has gone a little bit Cascade Failure. This is easily explained by reading the shareholder reports, and if you don't have time to read them I'll sum them up here "these stupid fat kids buy our shite no matter what we do, and we can sue the fuck out of everyone else, so trebles all round!".

GW no longer cares and can probably no longer see that they are alienating the repeat spenders AND the new blood.

"But they rely on mummies and daddies buying stuff for little Timmy" I hear you cry! Fuck off and pickle your face! I reply! Mummy and Daddy are facing redundancy, increased mortgage costs, uncertain futures and fuel that has risen in price by a terrifying amount, with the associated knock on effect on staples like bread and milk.

Mummy and Daddy are spending the extra cash on drink and divorce lawyers, not close to £500 for a new starter army for Timmy. In fact, Timmy is wondering why all the bigger boys have loads of they have lottery winning parents? Timmy doesn't want to play Warhammer, because he cannot be as cool as the guy who already bought an army, because mummy and daddy cant afford it. Mummy ran away and daddy is on TV crying because she wont come home.

Timmy is scared to play with the boys in his area, and he cant afford to play with the nice safe boys in GW, so Timmy has no escape, Timmy cant buy what GW is *really* selling, because the guys in charge at GW don't know that they are selling a safe place to make friends, a place where Timmy can be a champion, feel wanted, feel safe, and when Timmy grows up, its that place that he goes back to, when his girlfriend leaves him after University, he will go back there. When he is starting up the corporate ladder , and feels stress at work, its that safe place that he goes to once more.

Games Workshop don't sell fucking Space Marines, they sell us the memory of somewhere safe, somewhere fun. They sell the old players a memory of simplicity, they sell the young players a place of safety and belonging.

They are now expecting you to pay more than you actually earn for that product. They can fuck right off. Timmy didn't get a Big Box starter set this year, Timmy got a new tracksuit so he could fit in with the guys in the park, he started drinking and fighting at night, rather than staying in and building memories, worlds and adventures. Timmy didnt go to university, because he was in prison. He was in prison because he couldnt afford any toys, so he caused trouble and got caught.

Little Timmy didn't ever get to know about Mantic, FoW, Infinity, 10mm, 6mm, 15mm, Gruntz, or any of it. Little Timmy died alone, needle still in his arm, lips blue.

His mother was never found, and his father was so far gone on drink that he didn't even remember he had a son.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Doom! Doom! Doom!

GW profits up, Income Down! GW move to resin!  PP giveaways! FanBois have collective stroke!

Its been a busy month both in the gaming world and in my own has been hammer and tongs but I am just grateful that I have a job at all at this point.

I have had many ideas for the blog, content-wise, but was alwasy too tired/busy to put fingers to keys and actually get stuff written. 

When I end up in this situation I usually keep a kind of running notebook, using scribefire and evernote, heres what I had for the last month, as a kind of glimpse inside the mind of a blogger. 

I usally take notes in a question and answer style.   If I cannot form an answer that is more than 1 sentence, I know theres no meat on that bone.  This is a trick I learned when writing scripts in my younger days, if your motivation for a character is easily summed up in one word or phrase, you probably dont have a character with a story worth telling.

The usual rant-topics all fizzled due to my own sarcasm beating me:

Q:Fanbois:Why cant they see the trees and only ever see their own bush?

A:Because they are 14-17 and have not developed a fully cogent view of the world yet. And they suck.(no meat, easy answer)

Q:Why do the so viciously attack that which is different,

A:Because they are 14-17 and have not developed a fully cogent view of the world yet. And they still suck.(no meat, easy answer)

Q:Gaming Funk

A:What motivates you/me to game?  Social aspects, competitive aspects, the hobby side, the gaming side, why do we sometimes just step back and let things lie fallow for months.(see there's meat on this bone, as the answer raises more questions!)

Q:New gamers?  where do they come from? if there was no GW then where ?  What will we do on a high street sans GW?

A: No Fucking Idea! (MEATY)

VAGINAS  (I have no idea why I wrote this! But its likely that I was referring in my own way to misogyny in the hobby)

Q:Are Hobby *hubs* stifling voices of dissent or differing opinion?

A:Looking Beasts Of War, it was a great place with good content, but is increasingly feeling like an in-crowd in the comments , is this universal(other sites like pharyngula, joystiq, IGN etc)

Q:  fucking sexist homophobic wankers, arguing with a bunch of self righteous reactionary wankers.

A:This put me off gaming altogether to be honest, and the following was my belated comment on Dick Move, but 1st a disclaimer, the following is not "hobby" related, so I apologise upfront.



I have always had the rule that a hobby or niche blog should stay the fuck out of Politics.  No one wants to read political opinion when they are eating their cinnamon grahams in front of the PC,  I especially dislike opinions being foisted as fact.  But theres Politics, then there are politics.  The former being opinions on how the economy should be run, how we should support those less fortunate etc.  The latter concerns gender and sexual equality, and the people who would opress those of differing gender or sexual bias, they usually resort to arguments like "natural order", "gods law" and "their rightful place", none of these arguments hold scientific water and are based on cultural and religious bias.  In other words, fuck homophobia, fuck racism and fuck sexism.  I dont like cherry cola, so I dont drink it. I'll be fucked if someone decides that I should only drink Dr Pepper because it happens to be their preference, and any preference for any other soft drink should be banned or outlawed because they fucking say so.  Get fucked.

"TBH the homophobia, mysogyny, and elitist cliques on the interwebz and at my local gaming group have just put me off the whole sorry affair, blogging, gaming, the lot. The “HAWHAW AHM RIGHT AND YOU FAGGOTS ARE JUST UNNATURAL” attitude will never be changed, the “WIMMIN ARE OBJECTS” attitude just reinforces the general “hate” attitude, and any dissenting voice, whether self righteous or not, gets shouted down by the yeehaw brigade. Imagine your 14, the impression from comments on BoLS and elsewhere would surely be not being christian, not being straight, and not being white mean you have no rights to marriage, jobs, education or toy soldiers, or indeed life in some peoples minds.

Is this where we want our *hobby* to be? It’s bad enough the stupid, the intolerant and the downright ignorant are seeping into schools, government and healthcare, now they are after our bloody toy soldiers.

Tolerance doesnt mean you have to like, support or encourage something, just stay-the-fuck out of it, and get on with your own life.

Stupidity on its own isnt evil, but forcing people who really fucking do know better than you to obey your rules because you shout louder is. (looking at you anti-vaxxers, truthers, birthers, and holocaust deniers)

And lastly, being ignorant is a thing that be changed, we were all ignorant of how a mech list worked once, why not learn about the way your neighbour lives instead of hating him for a flimsy, arbritary reason?

A lot of folk in the UK do not believe in the literal truth of bronze age mysticism, but we would never hate someone who did. It seems however that the same is not true in reverse. “live and let live”, fuck, no way, my opinion is more important than yours so fuck off out of MAH hobby, and off o MAH special planet.

Fuck the lot of em."

Monday, 11 April 2011

Infinity, It Rocks! That means something to someone.

Hi boys and girls, are we all sitting comfortably? Good! Then I'll begin...

Although Warmahordes has taken up almost 98% of my gaming time in the last year and a bit, I have been hankering after some full on milscifi for that whole time as well. After being initially put off Infinity by the lower player count at the club compared to 40k, a chance presented itself for me to get in on the ground floor so to speak. My good friend AB @ G3 offered up some Haqqislam, at a fantastic price and with stunningly good paint jobs, so i jumped at the chance! The rules are available in their entirety from the site, but the books are a fantastic shelf item, beautiful and big!

Now, if you like good hard scifi, (and who doesnt like it good and hard?), Inifinity is right up your street. If you like models that are insanely good, and a complete bitch to get together, then ininity has you covered! But above the setting and the miniatures, the game stands as a massive, shining example of a game with some stupidly good mechanics! The ARO!

This single mechanic can make a game a cinematic epic that gets the heart racing and the blood pounding, with stories unfolding before your very eyes...if your on the winning side...

If your on the losing side, well, it sucks!

Basically the ARO is an Automatic Reaction Order...usually a shorter skill such as "OMG IM BEING SHOT AT..oooh! Cover...thats handy *dives*" or "OMG IM BEING SHOT AT...*lifts rifle, sprays, prays*". In other words, no trooper in infinity just sits still and lets themselves be shot to death. They will always have a chance to react, and possibly survive, possibly defeat, the aggressor. Of course the aggressor will have the advantage, but the sheer cinematic brilliance of shooting a sniper through his scope just as he lines up to shoot you is amazing (of course its actually just rolling off skills vs skills in what is called a "face to face" roll, but in my mind, its a vignette of deadly combat, played out in slo-mo).

One criticism I have heard at G3 is the dominance of heavy ordnance and snipers, with them being able to lock down entire boards. However, it seems obvious to my WM mind that for every paper, rock or scissor there is a scissor, paper or rock to counter it!

Enemy dominating a corridor of fire with overwatch? Manouver into a position where you have him covered and outflank!
Sniper getting you down? Overwatch from cover and send out some bait!

Basically, if it is a shitty trick used in real life type urban skirmishes, it can be used in Infinity!

I have hardly scratched the surface of this game but the possibilities for fast, story laden gameplay and genuine use of intelligent tactics and stratagems are all there. We plan to play a two player per team 4 player game tomorrow evening, using the Lost Post scenario from the Corvus Belli website.

I will post up a report on this, and see if it changes my opinion, but for now, Infinity is the perfect fit in my gaming spectrum for scifi and crazy batshit twists and turns that will be told over many a mead in the years to come.

Good example:

Andy's LT is hunkered down behind the counter in a fast food joint, poppping up and picking off my troops from the rear, he is pinned down but still a potent threat. My Ghulam squad leader decides she is tired of his shit, and goes Betty White on him. Casually she strolls out into the open, lighting a ciggy as she does so, she unbuckles her pistol, takes a drag and waits. Via the commlink, she impels one of her squad to pepper the area with shots. Once the shots die down, the enemy LT pops up his head, ready to end the fool who had wasted a whole clip shooting above his head, the last thing he sees is the muzzle flash before his brains bounce out the back of his helmet, ending the fight and giving victory to the Haqqislam forces invading this sector.

Of course, it was actually two face to face rolls, with me scoring a natural success, but Infinity paints these wonderful pictures in your head.

See you all soon for a report on tomorrows gaming goodness.

Oh, and until next time go here:
A genuinely funny guy who does more 40k than me.

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Sine Qua Non - The straw that broke my Warhammer back.

I never thought this would happen to me, never thought this day would come.

I have always defended GW, always hated the haters, but it is with reluctance that I have to do this.

I'm quitting all GW games. The straw that broke the back? The Orcs set:

This is just...what...i mean, really, WTF!

They arent new sculpts, they are the same boring shite we have dealt with for nigh on a decade now, and here we have a 80% price rise?

I don't understand GeeDubs, what did I do for you to treat me this way? I bought the books, the models, even a paint or two, I took you out, I bought you flowers, we sat in the park and talked for hours.

So tell me , what have I done to deserve this?

Literally half what I could get last week for the same money. Its the same sculpt, the same sprue, everything. There is just no way to justify this even to my own extravagant and Orc loving self.

I'm genuinely butthurt by this!

I havent blogged much of late due to high times at work, but things are settling back down so see you soon.

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

At it again...GW are evil even when they do good apparently...

Stay Gold.

Sigh, with heavy heart and axe weighing heavy in my hand, I came across this:

Particular gems include:

"Maybe they had to raise the price to offset the Mantic models being used to fill out WHFB armies?
Also, here's the direct link to the blog review"

What?!  A complete non-sequitur.

"I'd be happy with a 20 page no frills PDF, I wish that was an option.

Not going to do a lot for GWs profits though………….."

How dare a commercial company who trades in an IP based on fluff include that fluff in their products, and make it physical, and actually, hang on...a quick search of any torrent site and you can have your stupid PDF for a non point...although theft is bad...

"Or just one over-arching armies book that covered them all in one go…
Not that there's as much money to be had in that." it too much fluff and too many pages? or Not enough pages and not enough background info?  And again we are back to juvenile moaning about price on a luxury item that is entirely optional, but still costs less than a decent meal at a halfway decent cafe( took my partner out for a burger in Glasgow...cost more than a battlebox, at the cheap place).

However my favorite is :

"3rd edition rocks. I think the greying of the hobby is the thing most TMPers aren't getting any younger. GW of old had a big impact on my early wargaming life. In later life I just want to go back to the WFB and 40K I enjoyed in my youth the new stuff just doesn't have the same appeal."

Newsflash, as you get older, things and people change.

I read the above comment as:

"I wish I could go back but I cant.  I wish I was a young , fit , carefree youth without a grown up job and adult responsibilities, but more than any of this, more than even wanting eternal youth, I wish the books and games, that cost the same in relative terms, of my youth never changed, never grew old.

I want to be young, when summers lasted forever and pretty girls lay in the grass with a cheeky grin, we would drink Ginger Beer and dance at the hop before running home naked in the rain, or world was beautiful, and nothing could hurt us...for we were young, heartache to heartache we stood, we were invincible!

I like to imagine that 3rdEd rocks guy watches VH1 on an endless loop while smashing mirrors and clocks.


Monday, 21 February 2011

Good things from good people

After all my moaning and groaning, I came across something that caused an icy tear to form in the corner
 of my dwarven eye:

Even if you don't enter, the sentiment is awesome, and should be encouraged and applauded.  Doing good things makes good things happen.  And everyone wins :)

Be happy and paint like no ones looking :)

Im hoping that the same feeling can carry through this sunday in Dundee (steamroller at Highlander Games), and especially through to the upcoming Tartan Brawl on the 13/14th March.

TMP hates GW...slow news monday

Ok, you have all seen arachnarok yes?

You know, the giant spider that costs less than CODBLOPS or the Cataclysm xpac for WoW?

Well, apparently the 30-odd quid is still too expensive for TMP:

I stopped going there some time ago after I realised its a place that is just negative about everything GW, even when the GW stuff is for once reasonably priced, actually good and useful for more than just 1 army or game.

That spider...oh god that spider, its so useful for so many situations, just off the top of my head (on my 15 minutes break at work at the moment):

Fantasy RPGs
Any Alien army in any game at any scale (15mm troops vs ULTRAGIANT spider alien?  Yes Please)
Zombies (everything has zombies in 2011, even my mums tea towels(seriously))
40k Tyranid conversions
Starship Troopers( mongoose games, now defunct)

and all this in an easy to assemble plastic kit that begs to bought for a million reasons!  And its cheaper than a console game...I don't get what's not to like!

Fair enough you may not like the kit aesthetically, you may not like spiders, you may not like goblins, but in all fairness, you have to concede it is actually value for money.

Personally, I'll be adding to my Orcs and Goblins with two of the blighters, as my current army is heavily themed around spider riders as it is.

I just thank the FSM that I cant grok the naysayer mindset, and you know I'm a grumpy bastard on a good day!

The relentless negativity on TMP would turn anyone off from wargaming altogether , and yet it gets flung forward as a community hub full of good advice.  All I have ever read there in 7 years is negative diatribe about X system being a poor version of Y system, and that X is more expensive than Y and that X is not as good as Y used to be.

I hate Justin Beiber, but his existence is nothing to do with me, a male in my 30's, so I tend not to care or comment on it, positively or negatively, Jbeebs is not for me.  The worst thing I could do would be to frequent a music board and harp on constantly about NKOTB being better/sexier/whatever.  Yet that's exactly what TMP does every day.   Its moribund and shameful.

Where's the middle ground between TMP and BoLS?

There must be one?

Or are we it?  The opinionated and amazing blogosphere?

Lets have some positive action in the meta of wargaming!  The relentless negativity of comments and blogs (and yes, I too) just grinds me down.  I love my hobby, we all do, it's a unique hobby in that those of us who are into it are *really* into it, and that makes me love it even more.

In other news, I am going to experiment with audio, there's a great local scene in Glasgow , and I would like to document it in a way that's more immediate than negative words on a TFT.

Until next time, I love you all, except TMP's gang of five.  :)

Sunday, 20 February 2011

internet advice and the in crowd, why your all dicks.

UPDATE:  Loq posted a better worded and more cogent argument on the main HoP site, read hers instead :)

"OMG your list is shit!  You should drop that farfy and take a full thunderbabble termie rhino horde!"
"But this is my shopping list :("
"Yeah, but im right, so l2p nublet"

One thing that every newcomer to any situation hates is to be on the outside of the circle.  To be left outside the clique by not knowing the terminology is a terrible thing.  Worse, though, is to be a complete fucknugget incapable of constructive criticism,  and I see this every where in the blogosphere.

Its a self destructive and self defeating strategy pf group reinforcement that does nothing to help the greater good of the hobby.  Someone gets into wargaming, a massive investment in time and money as an adult, and an impossible hill to climb as an unemployed youngster, so what is the communities collective reaction to forum posts?  Piss the poor guy into the ground for not knowing everything, and dont even explain the why!

Imagine you turn up for your 1st day in a new job, and your new colleagues ask you to fill out a TPS report, and you ask:
"Where is the form kept and whats my password for this domain?"
These are perfectly reasonable questions, and instead of saying "Heres your details , just holler if you need help on product codes or anything" they STAB YOU AND STAB YOU STAB YOU AND EAT YOUR WIFE!

Thats what happens when a new player arrives at some blogs or forums, he wants to why a 10 man unit is worse than a 5 man unit, and everyone just stabs him in the face until he leaves.

So , dear forums, dear blogs, if you are so fucking perfect, if your knowledge is so perfect, why not try not being a dick for a day and give actual constructive feedback, or shut your immature , cliquey mouths?  Either way helps.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011



Just when I'm crafting a post about the rest of wargaming being caught up with modern tech and printing, GW makes it redundant with this little belter!

Thank FUCK!

Grey Knights in Glorious technicolour!

Dwarves next PLEASE!

Monday, 24 January 2011

Why so Negative? WoW and the unpainted Dark Eldar

This post is more of a personal thing than anything, but probably worth sharing.

I resubbed to WoW when cataclysm hit.  I am ashamed.  But, its OK, for it is now cancelled again.

The expansion was a damp squib, the content was easily blasted through, even when trying to keep the pace slow.  The whole thing was just "meh".  Add to this a security breach at my partners work which left my partners main character of 6 years naked next to a post box(got her email details), and there was just no incentive to play.

The other thing I noticed, with nice empirical data, is just how much more productive I am without the time-sink that is WoW.  So much so, that when I resubbed I had a desk full of unpainted and unassembled models, a stack of catch up learning for work and two parts of the existing assassins creed trilogy to play through.

It has been a revelation just exactly how much time you lose to MMOs.  Since quitting once and for all, I have assembled and stage 1'd 500 point of dark eldar, and finished stage 1 on my menite jacks,
Camera on Phone has bright flash...
 (which allowed me to field a painted force for once!)

About to fail...

Still a long way before they are finished , but the basics are in place, time for blending and doing the rivets etc now.  The time it would normally take to log in, faff about, do a daily or two and tank/heal a few instances, and I have a fully painted force.  I mean seriously Grum, what the fuck were you thinking wasting all that time!

My total /played was over 200 days, in 5 years, that's 1825 days, with 200 lost.  Nearly 11% of my life for 5 years.  Bear in mind that there were year long stretches of no playing, time at work and sleeping and you get the following:

1825 Days
43800 Hours
14600 Avg. Hrs Asleep
16425 Avg. Hrs Working
12775 hours left...
3650 Travelling
4800 Hours in WoW.
4325 Hours to do everything else.  Relationship, homebuilding, the lot...that's just 180 days from a potential 1825 left to actually have a life.

Those sums are approximate, but the point should be clear.  I cant get that time back.  The pleasure of wargaming is the good memories, strong friendships, and masses of painted mini's that represent years of effort.  I could have almost doubled the amount of actual fun had I not been playing WoW...
Then there's EVE, LOTRO, DDO, AoC and COH...the numbers are scary...I have played more games that have left me with nothing but stress and bad memories than I have actually had any time for.

It got to the stage, in 2009, where I was playing 2 EVE accounts on one box and WoW on the laptop at the same time!  That was my first wake-up call to the fact that I am not getting younger, and that time is just...gone...

I made friends in wow, sure,  but that's what facebook chat is for now really, like a guild channel without the time sink.

The 80 hours I spent playing through mass effect 1 & 2, assassins creed etc, they dont feel wasted, I followed a story from A to B, and had fun, and have lasting memories and the same emotional experience that a really good book can leave you with.  I never felt that with WoW or EVE.  The universe is just there, unchanging and static, nothing changes, no impact is felt( yes, I know, cataclysm and phasing..but it's hardly the same as a single player game).

My reburst of energy is tremendous as well, I am more efficient at work, never late, never grumpy, I have lost nearly a Stone (14lbs for our colonial cousins), and had to buy new jeans as my current set of clothes was literally falling off me.  I have quit smoking, which was a hand in hand partner to gaming, and find the ability to just "pause" a game and go and make decent, healthy, cooked food or clean up a little or deal with a call from work has let the stress melt away!

I feel so much better about life, and myself, without wow, without smoking, that I have my first regrets in life.

Sometimes you need to regret the things you do.

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Maj. Richard Winters Dead

The generation that inspired a century is passing. We lost Major Richard Winters,aged 92, you know , the guy Damian Lewis played in Band of Brothers.

Like most people, BoB brings me to tears in a way that all other films concerning war don't seem to.  I am sad that they are passing, but gladder that they ever lived.

To the fallen and the few who remain.

We will not forget.

Monday, 3 January 2011

The End Of Days

Proof!  The apocalypse, armageddon, and the end times!  Warmachine is now Warmahordes 40K!

Now we'll need comp, restricted lists, the whole sorry mess.

Wrath? pah!  40K with horses!

Now get the fuck off my lawn!

In all seriousness, this is quite a feat for PP...Resin is expensive, finicky and hard to work with, which is why it has been the preserve of speciality castings (all my sexy 20mm Resin WW2 stuff) or botique houses such as Forgeworld.  To get resin into the hands of the public in such numbers as these will be produced is awesome.

They also fit the existing fluff perfectly, and will further serve to distinguish Hordes and Warmachine as seperate but equal products.

Im excited to see whats in store for Mercs and Menoth, although I imagine the mercs offering will be a pirate themed hamsterwheel.

Ultramarines: A review.

Its fucking awful.


OK serious time.  Its really, really fucking awful.   Terrible animation, terrible acting, weak script.

You really have to be a super rabid fanboi to rate this.  I mean , the kind who defends opinions and decisions in opposition to the facts.  The kind who would *still* argue that the sky was pink just so you were right, even when all evidence suggests otherwise.

However, there are ways to give this animated feature a positive review:

  • just flat out lie
  • Focus on the positives( the script..kinda,er...marines...., umm......A thunderhawk?)
  • Special Pleading, and other fallacies.
Of these, the one I see most often is number 3: special pleading.

The argument is summed up thus:  "Its good because its all we have"

I'm fairly sure that the inherent flaw is obvious to all and sundry, but I'm a particularly petty geek when it comes to this sort of thing.  To say "its good because its all we have" is a cop-out, a weak position from which you cannot recover.  If something is shit, it's shit.  If something could be done better, then it should be done better!

Bickering Space Marines , untrustful and paranoid, a wafer thin , poorly explained premise, non-sequiturs all over the place, and people still go "SQUEEE".  Throw in some piss poor voice acting , so bad I doubt that anyone in the production team had the balls to stand up and say "Oh, Hi Mr Stamp, can you do the lines again, only this time...kind of professionally, or good?", and we have a perfect combo of weak plot, bad acting, and poor direction.

I'm fairly sure even the most rabid fanboy cannot argue that the lines were delivered with all the emotion of a wooden chair, I'm also sure that many of those fanboys would agree that the premise for the story is poorly set up, full of holes and doesn't really make much sense within the lore.  

So why so many OMGWTFAWESOME write ups and reviews?

Special Pleading.  My favorite logical fallacy.  Throw in a dash of entrenched position, post-purchase justification and just a pinch of inner-circle membership and there is a perfectly cooked cake of why being a fanboy is a bad thing.

I remember watching Beasts of War's coverage of the special screening down in london and the thing that struck me most was not the details of the film, but that the post-film interviews were all very tame in the use of language.  No one was "OMG THAT WAS AWESOME" , not one person had a massive cheesey grin, the kind you get after a win or sex or a good film (just me?  hmmm).  

All the interviews were of people who iterated good things about the films, leaving out the bad stuff, or of more considered analysis that left any heartfelt praise well to one side.  Despite the underwhelming response, everyone was glad they had pre-ordered or pre-purchased (entrenched position, special pleading and post-purchase justification).  Add to this the horrifically cliquey nature of 40K fanboyism (well, 40K and all wargames, in fact 40K is the least of the offenders here), and you simply cant say that the film was shit or your outside the fold.  Why is it so hard to admit that the minotaurs are a cartoonish and shit sculpt?  Why is it so hard to admit that older PP sculpts are a little 1 dimensional, comical even?  

Why is it so difficult to admit that one facet of something can be flawed, whilst the whole remains undiminished?

The film was bad, we deserved better, lets hope we get it next time.  How do I know there will be a next time?  

Because 99% of people who bought the film cant admit it was a lemon.  

Hey, if you liked it, more power to you, but even you have to admit the voices were flatter than piss on a plate.